


Do you see an end now?

by Dustydexx



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-12
Updated: 2013-12-12
Packaged: 2018-01-04 10:57:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1080204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dustydexx/pseuds/Dustydexx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"In case you needed to kill me. But you can't. I know, I've tried."</p><p>Tony's eyes saddened as the words hit him full front. Bruce had tried....tried to kill himself. He-</p><p>"I got low. I didn't see an end. So, I put a gun in my mouth, and the other guy spit it out."</p><p>'Kill me'<br/>'I know, I tried.'<br/>'I Didn't see an end.'<br/>'Put a gun in my mouth.' </p><p>Those words rang through Tony's mind, even weeks after they were spoken. Tony goes to confront Bruce about it and in his confrontation, he sees the scars. Not on the inside, but on the outside. Bruce's wrists and inner arms to be exact.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do you see an end now?

**Author's Note:**

> [WIP] 
> 
> I do not own Marvel or it's characters.
> 
> I do, however, own this fanfiction. So all rights reserved to Tennex.

"In case you needed to kill me. But you can't. I know, I've tried."

Tony's eyes saddened as the words hit him full front, like a ton of bricks to the face. Bruce had tried....tried to kill himself. He- If you were to look at Tony, you'd see wide brown eyes, full of sorrow, shock and horror.

"I got low. I didn't see an end. So, I put a gun in my mouth, and the other guy spit it out."

Tony wasn't sure if he would ever be more thankful for The Hulk again.

'Kill me'

'I know, I tried.'

'I got low. I Didn't see an end.'

'I Put a gun in my mouth.' 

Those words rang through Tony's mind, even weeks after they were spoken. Even after the Avengers had beaten the Chitauri, even after Thor and Loki had returned to Asgard, Tesseract in hand. Even as Tony and Bruce drove off to Stark Tower. It had taken some convincing, some begging and just a hint of threatening (Which Bruce just chucked at), to get Bruce to stay. But Tony got his way in the end. 

Tony was happy about that, very happy. During their time together, Tony and Bruce had grown close. They both had mutual admiration and respect for each other, both understood each other's demons. Both were broken, so much so, that they would never be fixed. They were a match made in Heaven.

Tony Stark was happy with Bruce around.

But at the same time, he wasn't. It wasn't exactly a stupid reason, though certainly surprising. It was that one confession. Everyone else had probably dropped it by now, but not Tony. How could he? Just thinking about Bruce Banner, timid, awkward, kind and sympathetic Bruce, coming to hate himself so much, hate the Hulk inside him, that he would rather die then wake up to another day- Well, it made Tony want a lot of drinks. 

Tony tried to understand why exactly Bruce had wanted to kill himself, what went through his head when he held that gun. He really tried.

He couldn't though. Tony - for all his self-loathing and guilt- had never gotten to the state of mind where he wanted to die, least not by his own hand. He never had a good reason. Sure, he had done some bad things, we all have monsters inside us. 

But then to think about Bruce, how much anger he has towards himself. How he believes he has a true "monster" inside him. Tony couldn't even begin to understand.

But he tried.

And he wanted to continue trying. More importantly, he wanted to know if Bruce still didn't see an end. If he was still so low, he might try again. Tony couldn't begin to imagine what he could do if the answer to that question was 'Yes'. 

From the moment Bruce took residence in Stark Tower, Tony tried his damnedest to make the doctor feel comfortable. Right away, he set work engineering a room for Bruce to safely Hulk out in, there would be spare clothes, food, water etc. anything Bruce could need. He called it the Green Room. 

He opened everything in the lab to Bruce, told him to drop a dime if he needed /anything/ and Tony would get it for him. His attempts definitely worked. Bruce opened up at a steady pace. Laughed and smiled more, spent more time with Tony, even cooked dinner for the man a few times. 

As Bruce continued to open up, continued to become a bigger part of Tony's life and continued to make him happy, Tony thought more about that confession. He wanted to help Bruce. He wanted to understand his pain, and in turn understand how to comfort his friend.

He wanted to fix Bruce.

If you didn't know more about Bruce, you would never look at him and see a depressed man. See a man who had been at the end of his rope so many times. Never. But he was. He was broken. But so was Tony. 

Tony just wanted to help his friend, help the man that deserved help. Help the man that made Tony feel good again. Gave him the kind of feeling alcohol gave him, without the actual alcohol.

And he wouldn't be able to help just by sitting on his ass all day.

It was a stormy day, maybe just a little foreshadowing there, and Bruce had been in lab all day. Hadn't come out for breakfast or lunch. Tony figured it was a now or never sort of deal. 

He just wanted to ask. At least ask how Bruce felt now. Maybe, just maybe, ask a bit about his backstory, if that wasn't too far. There would be a lot of touchy feely moments to come, Tony figured. Tony was quick in his stride to the lab, anxiety top notch as he soon stood before the sliding glass doors to the lab.

He entred and his brown eyes soon locked with the figure of Doctor Banner, purple clothed back to Tony's face. 

"Hey there, Sceincebro." Tony greets, taking steps towards Bruce. He stopped when a metallic clatter stung through the air, Tony couldn't see what fell to the floor but he could see Bruce strain his head to the side, brown eyes as wide as saucers. "T-Tony! I-I didn't expect you!" Bruce's voice was tight and strained, he looked near animal like as he lunged for his lab coat, throwing it on quickly.

Tony's eyebrows raised slightly as he watched the peculiar actions. "Bruce, what-" His breath was caught in his throat as the doctor turned towards him. Bruce must not of noticed it, but Tony did.

And God, Tony wished he hadn't.

Red was seeping through the white lab sleeves, only in the areas of wrists and inner arms. "Bruce, you're bleeding!!" Tony didn't realize what it was, at first he thought it was accidental.

If only it were that easy.

 

"Oh- It's fine, I was dissecting! Just leave it-" Tony should have listened to Bruce. But he didn't.

Instead he practically sprinted towards Bruce and pulled the sleeves up, mind racing with the worst scenarios. What Tony saw, made his heart break and made him want to gouge his own eyes out with his fingertips.

Around 8-10 deep horizontal cuts were spread out on each of Bruce's wrists and inner arms. They were bleeding, not profusely, but enough that drops of scarlett were staining the pure white lab floor. 

"B-Bruce...." Tony looked up at Bruce, of course he didn't meet Tony's eyes. How could he? With all the shame and guilt pouring through him. Bruce didn't think he could ever look at Tony again. He pulled his arms away, letting Tony's hands hang sadly in the air, un-sure of what to do.

"Ahem." Bruce cleared his throat, all possible sentences evading him as he rolled down his white lab coat sleeves and bent down to pick up what had crashed to the ground- a bloody scalpel. Tony was pretty sure he could TASTE the bile in his mouth.

In that moment, Tony didn't know what to do with himself. "Bruce-" Tony's voice was soft, eyes still wide. Incredulity was racing through his heart and mind. Tony couldn't believe Bruce would- He- "Don't. Don't try to say anything. There's nothing-" "Why?" At first Bruce thought that was a question to his statement. But it wasn't. 

It was the big question in general.

Why?

Why indeed. 

Bruce nearly laughed, but instead chuckled a dark, dry and humorless chuckle. "Why? Because I'm a monster. Because I have this /thing/ inside me that has killed people. Because everyone either looks at me with fear or pity! I can never make up for what I have done-" "It wasn't you though. Bruce, it wasn't you. You're not a monster-" Bruce laughed fully this time, full of pain, irony and conviction. 

"You don't know that, Tony. No one knows that. The gamma radiation, it didn't create the Hulk. No matter how many times I try and lie to myself. It /amplified/ what was already there. That's what people don't know, Tony. The Hulk came after. Bruce Banner was the monster first."

Tony wasn't going to take that bullshit. 

"Yeah, Banner? What did you do that was so monstrous, huh? What, steal some lab equipment? Didn't tip your waitress? Forget to feed your dog?" Tony egged on, irritation filling his voice. 

A half green, half pale, hand smashed against the metal counter, a bang resounding through the lab. It left a Hulk sized hand indentation that would probably be there for ever. Green was swirling and swimming through the normally brown colour in Bruce's usually gentle eyes. Bruce's normally soft and timid voice, now had a thunderous and in-human roar to it, with a deadly echo.

"I LET MY MOTHER DIE!!" The beakers around them shook and some fell from the lab counters, shattering to pieces on the floor.

Tony tenses up and brings his hands up slowly, calculating possible evacuations in case Bruce DID Hulk out. If he Hulk'd out right now, Tony would be good as dead without his suit on. "Bruce...just talk to me. Tell me what happened..." Tony's voice was slow and soft, as if he were dealing with a rabid dog about to attack.

The green soon started to recede from Bruce's eyes and hands. The scientist was taking deep breathes, while his heart monitor was slowing it's insistent warning beeping. Bruce couldn't look Tony in the eyes, instead staring down at the drying drops of blood on the lab floor.

"My father was a drunk. He didn't usually hit her. Only when she stood up for me, that's when he would. It took years of abuse before she stood up for herself as well. We were going to leave but he must have found out because she put me in the car and locked the door behind her. I watched as he.... as he beat her to death. And I didn't stop it. I just- I didn't stop it. I didn't tell the police afterwards. I just took the abuse." 

Somewhere, Bruce had started to cry, hands tightening on the counter as his head hung in the air. 

"Why shouldn't I have taken the abuse? I deserved it. I still do." Bruce looks up at Tony, tears falling from the sorrowful and miserable chocolate eyes. 

"That's why I do this do myself." Bruce glanced down at his bloody arms. "Because I'll never make penance for what I've done-"

"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, BRUCE!"

Bruce flinched back at the shouting, fear and flashbacks filling his head as he remembered his drunk father screaming the same thing at him, numerous times. 

Tony instantly began to feel guilt upon seeing the terror fill Bruce's full brown eyes. But he couldn't handle this anymore. Couldn't handle Bruce blaming himself. 

"You didn't do anything, Bruce! You were just a kid for God's sake! How could you stop a grown man?! You were scared death, anyone would do the same in your position!" Tony could see Bruce getting ready to protest and quickly cut him off. 

"Think of all the good you have done! You've saved God knows how many people in your passing by as a Doctor. You saved all those people in Harlem, you saved the people in Manhattan. For fuck's sake, Bruce. You saved ME." 

Along the way, Tony had started to tear up and had grabbed Bruce's shoulders, pulling the man to his firm chest. "So don't tell me that you need to cut yourself or kill yourself to make penance or some shit. You've given enough, you've suffered enough. Do you understand me?" 

Tony pulls away, still keeping his hands on Bruce's shoulders. Bruce looks to be in awe, even reverence, as if this was the first time he had ever been told that, and actually believed the words. And that, in fact, was the truth. Even when Betty had told him, Bruce hadn't believed her. He couldn't at the time. But with Tony telling him, this time, it felt real. Felt true. 

And Bruce truly felt like he was good. Like he wasn't just a monster with another monster inside him.

He felt whole, good and human.

He felt loved. 

Bruce remembered feeling like this with his mother and Betty. 

But this time, it was Tony. Tony made him feel this way.

Bruce stared into Tony's eyes, unable to look away. He nodded slowly, still trying to comprehend all that was happening within this moment in time. 

Subconsciously, they both seemed to lean in ever so slowly, to the point where their lips were just barley touching. Bruce was ready to lean in fully, connect their lips, only to stop when Tony spoke.

"I need to ask you something, Bruce." Tony's voice was hesitant and small, as if afraid of the answer he would get after the question.

"Yes, Tony?" Bruce replied, voice wondering and gentle.

"Do you see an end now?"

Bruce seemed to stop breathing all together.

'I didn't see an end' 

The words reverberated through his mind, and he looked down at the ground in thought, only to look back up at Tony seconds later.

"Yes... With you."

**Author's Note:**

> And that's all I have so far! Feel free to leave any suggestions, ect!


End file.
